Uh Oh, Alucard's Bored Again
by Luna Silvereyes
Summary: Alucard plus Boredom equals CHAOS!
1. Day One

Uh-Oh, Alucard's Bored, Again

Luna Silvereyes

A/N: Yami-Maibe's fanfic, 50 Things Alucard Does When He's Bored, inspired this. I have a feeling I'm going to have a lot of fun in the next few weeks. Oh, I apologize if I spelled the name incorrectly. If I did, I'll go back in and change it right away.

Day One

Seras sat in her room on her bed, sighing. She was bored. The cases of vampire appearances had died down immensely over the past month. Without monster sightings, there was no need for Hellsing to take any action at present, so Hellsing's two vampires were left to their own devices for the time being. For Seras, this wasn't much of a problem. She slept, borrowed books from Walter or wandered the grounds at night. She never figured that boredom could be much of a problem around Hellsing's headquarters.

She lay down on her bed, folded her arms behind her head and closed her eyes. She might as well catch up on some sleep.

"_Attention, Attention all Hellsing Organization members, we have an urgent announcement!_"

Seras sat up. Outside her door, the speakers for the P.A system were buzzing. She hurried over and opened her door just in time to hear the rest of the message.

"_This is an urgent announcement,_" Integra repeated gravely, "_Everyone is to remain in their rooms until given notice to leave. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill._"

There was a slight pause and then she continued. Seras felt goosebumps rising up through her skin. Just what on earth could be this urgent and serious that no one was permitted to leave their rooms?

"_Alucard's bored, again,_"

A/N: This is a little drabble I'll work on in my spare time. You know, whenever I think up funny things for Alucard to do. This is gonna be fun!!


	2. Day Two Part One

A/N: Yeah, I'm having too much fun. ^_^

Day Two

Integra sighed, flipping through her various paperwork at her desk. It was nearly three in the afternoon. She figured she'd call it quits for now and enjoy some tea before tackling the rest of her tedious work. Without any problematic cases cropping up, there wasn't much to do around Hellsing's headquarters. After making that announcement the day before, the entire estate was tense, waiting for Alucard to strike. Integra always dreaded this. Once in awhile, they'd get a temporary ceasefire in all vampire attacks, Because of this, Alucard wasn't needed for much, so he was left to keep himself busy one way or another. They'd all learned the hard way what happens when that vampire gets bored. One time, he'd gone and painted every window on the entire second floor black. Another time, he'd sealed the doors of all the soldier's dormitories shut, trapping them in there until Walter had gone to town to get some glue remover. Integra figured she should just count her blessings and consider the fact that Alucard's antics weren't destructive or dangerous...usually.

Integra reached out to grab the knob of the door and her hand hit empty air. She paused and then knelt down to peer through the hole in the door where the doorknob had been just a half-hour ago.

"When the hell did he do this?" she wondered aloud. Fortunately, the door opened even without the doorknob. She considered it good fortune that he hadn't made off with the hinges as well. Fortunately, she was used to this. She was a little worried about how Seras would react, however. During Integra's first year as leader of Hellsing, she'd never known that Alucard did weird things when he got bored. She'd woken up one morning with blue hair. Luckily for her, he'd used blue food coloring, so it washed out easily, leaving faint blue tinges here and there for the next few weeks. But Seras was still unaware of how irritating her master could get at times like this. Integra was powerless to stop him though, so she was a little leery as to what sort of initiation he'd use on his poor fledgling.

As she made her way down the hallway, she was distinctly aware that something wasn't quite right. She stopped, eying the paintings lining the walls. She chewed her lip and clenched her fists, turning to look at the paintings behind her. She let out a hissing breath. Every single painting was flipped upside down or sideways. She turned to fix a painting of one her ancestors and stopped. She blinked, examined it more closely and then, felt her rage reach a boiling point as she remembered that Alexander Kingston Hellsing didn't have red eyes that actually blinked back at her.

"_Alucard!!!_"

A/N: You know what's really bad? I've actually done half of this stuff. ^_^


	3. Day Two Part Two

A/N: I need to take a break, huh? ^_^

Day Two Part Two

It was early evening when Seras awoke from a nap. She couldn't go out in the daytime, so she often just slept or read. She was still confused about the announcement Integra had made the day before. What was so bad about Alucard getting bored? Seras got bored too. It wasn't a big deal. She wondered if maybe Alucard became irritable or something when he was bored. Well, she figured, it was probably safe to go out, now. She'd take a walk around the grounds and sort her thoughts out.

She reached around for the button that released the lid of her coffin bed. She usually kept it beside her, but she gasped when she couldn't find it. She scrambled around for it, still not finding it.

"Uh," she muttered, feeling a slight twinge of claustrophobia. "Help? Hello?"

She pounded on the lid. "Hello? Master? Walter? Anyone? I'm a little stuck!"

She pounded more furiously, "Somebody get me out of here!" she shrieked. She heard the door to her chamber open and someone rush in.

"_Oh dear, I see he's been at it, again. Hang on, Ms. Victoria, I'll get you out of there._"

"Please hurry, Walter," Seras said. "I'm getting a tad claustrophobic in here,"

The lid lifted up and Seras scrambled out, gasping. "Thanks," she exclaimed. "How'd you get here so fast?"

"I saw Alucard leaving your room a few minutes ago and figured he was up to his old tricks again," Walter said in exasperation. "Lucky for both of us, he left the switch box on the table."

Walter turned around to look at Seras and his eyes went wide. He started to snicker madly and Seras tilted her head. "What? What is it?" she asked.

"Do forgive me, Ms. Victoria, but I do believe you should take a look in the mirror," he forced out, struggling not to laugh. Seras frowned and went into her bathroom, turning on the light.

"_EEEEAAAAGH!!!_"

She hurled the door against the wall, splitting a crack down the middle.

"_Master!!_" she shrieked. "_You glued cat ears to my head!!!_"

Walter managed to stop laughing and recomposed himself with great difficulty. "Not to worry, Ms. Victoria," he said, still resisting the urge to laugh, "I have glue remover down in the basement,"

He led her out while she continued to tug at the ears, trying futilely to remove them. "Ugh, they won't budge! Why would he do something like this?" she muttered.

"Because he's bored," Walter answered, "That's why Sir Integra sent that announcement out yesterday,"

Seras sighed wearily, "So this is what she meant, huh?"

"Unfortunately, yes. I'll get the glue remover and we'll pay a visit to Sir Integra. She'll be happy to explain your master's idiocy for you,"

"Thanks, I think," Seras mumbled.

Later, once the ears were safely removed, Seras and Walter stood in Integra's office, watching as she rubbed her eyes wearily. "You see, Seras, Alucard lives for battle," she explained, "And once in a while, we get a halt in all vampire activities. During times like this, everyone on the estate prepares for the coming storm of irritating pranks and shenanigans that Alucard does whenever he realizes he won't be sent out for quite some time. It is for this reason that we don't allow him to become bored," Integra said grimly.

"So I see," Seras muttered in bewildered amazement. "I'm guessing that's why the knob to your office door is missing?" she asked, glancing back at the slot where the knob was supposed to be.

"Yes. I'm just grateful he didn't take the hinges, too," Integra growled. "But seriously, gluing cat ears to your head and then locking you inside your coffin. If we didn't know this to be normal behavior for him during times like this, we'd swear he has it in for you,"

Seras paled and gulped. "W-Well, what should I do?" she asked.

"I'm afraid that there's nothing to be done but let it run its course. Fortunately, I'm one of his favorite targets, so he'll probably leave you alone."

At that moment, they heard a muffled explosion coming from inside Integra's desk. The three of them froze, staring at each other in slight apprehension as Integra slowly opened her desk drawer. Instantly, a cloud of purple smoke billowed out from inside, filling the room with a disgusting stench that had them all in tears from coughing. Walter rushed to open the windows and Seras covered her mouth and nose.

"Ugh! What is that?" she exclaimed.

"I'm guessing," Walter wheezed, "That we now know where he's been all day!" he paused, choking on the smoke while Integra used a piece of paper to fan it toward the window.

"Yes," she grumbled, "Down in the laboratory, playing around with the chemicals again. Fortunately, this one is an old one, mostly smoke and bad smell. Ugh, when did that demon stash it in my desk!?"

Seras jumped at the sound of mad snickering behind her and whirled just in time to see the door close.

A/N: Yup, I did this one, too. ^_^


	4. Day Three

A/N: The first two chapters were a hit! I'm so happy!! Lets' see if my luck holds out, huh? I had my grandma cracking up at this one and she doesn't even know the anime.

Day Three

Integra sat at her desk the following morning, struggling to see without her glasses. They'd pulled a mysterious Houdini during the night. Fortunately, she wasn't completely blind without them, but it made working a little more difficult than she would have liked.

She was just finishing up a signature on a report when-

_"Yaaagggh!! Run! Run! Yaaaah!!!"_

_"What in bloody hell is that thing!?" _

_ "Who cares? Run away!" _

Startled, her pen scrawled a zig-zagged line across the paper, ruining her otherwise neat signature. She gripped the pen tightly in her fist and got up, moving to look out the window. She sighed heavily when she saw three new recruits scrambling madly across the grounds with an enormous six-eyed dog in hot pursuit. She shook her head and hurried to the next window, throwing it open and leaning out, "Alucard! You moron, stop that right now!"

To the shock of all three recruits, the dog skidded to a halt, panting and looking up at the window. It tilted its head, giving it a slightly comical appearance. Integra scowled.

"Yes, I'm talking to you. Get your undead hide back in here this instant or I swear, I'll seal you inside the dungeons!"

The dog let out a noise between a whiffle and a snarl and padded back toward the main building, tail wagging happily as it went. The three recruits stared after it, eyes wide in shock. Integra called down to them, "If he does that again, just shoot him." she snapped. She slammed the window shut, leaving them to chew on what she'd just told them. She turned around to find Alucard sitting inside the door, tail thumping on the floor and his tongue lolling out as he watched her expectantly. He knew he was in trouble and he couldn't have looked more tickled about it. Integra regarded him irritably as she sat back down. "Alucard, what on earth was that for? Are you _trying_ to chase away all of our recruits?"

Alucard just closed four of his eyes unevenly, giving him a warped, eerie appearance. Integra stalked over and grabbed him by the scruff of his neck, yanking his face up to hers, "Listen mutt-face," she snapped, "You're bored; that's fine! But you're really beginning to piss me off! What am I supposed to do to get that through your thick skull!?"

Rather than give her an answer, his tongue shot out, lashing her in the face. She dropped him, sputtering and wiping her mouth with her sleeve. "Alucard!" she yelled, but he'd already turned tail and fled. She ran to the door and looked out in time to see him disappear around the corner, cackling madly. She grumbled to herself and made to close the door, only for it to suddenly swing out of her grasp at an angle and hang to one side. Integra inspected it carefully and then clenched her fists.

"_Alucard, bring back those damn hinges!_" she screeched.

A/N: I'm having waaay too much fun, here. ^_^


	5. Day Four

A/N: I need to stop for tonight. I'm running out of ideas and need to think of more. If anyone wants him to do something, drop me a review and I'll see about it. I'm not saying I'm fresh out, I'm just tired, that's all.

Day Four

Things seemed ordinary, but Integra knew it was just a show. Alucard, wherever he was, was probably planning his next 'attack' on the estate. There was no way of knowing who his next victim would be. She was actually beginning to pray for a case to show itself soon before that lunatic drove everyone at Hellsing stark raving mad. That morning, a new recruit had awakened to find himself tied to the flagpole _at the very top!_ Needless to say, that recruit wasn't around anymore. For that matter, Alucard was absent as well. Integra, after confronting him and almost literally wrestling the door hinges away from him, wasn't sure whether to count this as a cursed forewarning or a blessed relief. But then again, she was still missing the door knob and a portrait of Abraham Van Hellsing had gone missing the night before. She didn't suppose she blamed him for that one. But still, when he was trying _her_ patience, she knew it was getting bad.

It was early evening and she was just about to begin a letter of reply to her Majesty when the door slammed open, shaking the entire room and actually startling her. Integra looked up in bewildered amazement to see Seras Victoria standing there in a large bath towel. But it wasn't necessarily that little factor that was surprising, it was Seras herself.

"Seras," Integra said cautiously, "Are you aware that you're green?"

"Yes, Sir Integra, I'm aware of that," Seras grumbled, "I'm also aware that all of my clothes have gone missing as of late."

Integra sighed heavily and leaned her head in her hands. "Alucard, what in hell's name am I going to do with you?" she moaned. "I'll have Walter get you another uniform, Seras," Integra said. "In the meantime, why are you green?"

"The result of taking what was supposed to be a nerve-soothing shower after waking up to find him staring at me," Seras growled. Indeed, Seras's hair and skin had been colored an odd shade of swamp green. At that moment, Walter appeared with a tea kettle in his hand, looking a little more out of sorts than usual.

"Sir Integra," he said, barely keeping his voice down, "I'm afraid that afternoon tea will be a little late. It seems Alucard somehow managed to get every single faucet in Hellsing to dispense green water and until we're sure what exactly he did to cause this, I'd rather not take a chance,"

Integra scowled and plunked her head down on the desk.

"I need to take a walk," she declared, getting up and moving past the two of them. Seras and Walter stared after her and then cast confused glances at each other. Walter glanced upward and then sighed. "Ms. Victoria, I'll find you some replacement clothing while we find where he stashed your old ones," he said.

"Thanks, I appreciate it," Seras said wearily.

Integra made her way down the hallway, keeping her eyes trained for anything out of the ordinary. At first, she didn't notice it, so immense was her level of stress. But when she reached the drawing room where she usually took her afternoon tea, she realized it. Her eyes widened and she whirled to stare down the hallway in amazement.

"He...he took every door in this hallway out of their frames!" she exclaimed. Suddenly apprehensive, she hurried inside the drawing room and found all aforementioned doors stacked neatly in a pile on the floor by the window. On the very top of the pile sat an empty vial of green food coloring and the key ring to the boiler room. Integra ground her teeth together.

"_Alucard!!!_"

A/N: Lets' see, who shall he target next??


	6. Day Five

A/N: This story is brand new and it's a hit! I'm so excited! I hope to continue to keep everyone in stitches!! In the meantime, Alucard goes a little overboard next few chapters. Hehehe.

Day Five

Seras stood outside with Integra watching a small squadron of new recruits going through their motions on the march.

"Do you think they'll be strong enough?" Integra asked.

"I've done the best I could since I was reinstated as their trainer," Seras said, "But we won't know until we have an opportunity to send them into a field test,"

"Hopefully, such an opportunity will come along soon. Now that we've got clear water again, I'm a little tense as to what that idiot is planning next,"

The new captain, Captain Lawrence saluted them as they passed and turned to his men, "About face! Forward, march!" he commanded. The recruits did as they were told, running through the motions perfectly.

Suddenly, they all yelled in alarm as the ground gave way beneath them, swallowing them into the earth. Seras and Integra gasped and hurried down to the field where the recruits were attempting to dig themselves out of the new sinkhole they'd fallen into. Captain Lawrence shrugged helplessly at them, "I didn't even know that thing was there!" he said in his own defense. Integra rubbed her eyes beneath her glasses. "Not to worry captain, I know where it came from. Get your men out of there and organize a team to fill this in. I've got a little business to take care of,"

Seras followed after her, glancing back in amazement, "Wow. When did he find time to dig a sinkhole?" she exclaimed.

"With that lunatic, who knows? Hm?"

She stopped as Alucard appeared several meters away in his demonic dog form, something blue clamped between his teeth. He turned to them and all six of his eyes narrowed deviously. Seras frowned, "What's he hold-Ah! No! That's my new uniform! Master, give that back!"

Before Integra could stop her, Seras took after Alucard who bolted, having finally found someone to play with him, albeit unwillingly.

"Master! Stop, come on! You know you're faster than I am! Damn it, master, give me back my uniform! _Master!_"

They disappeared around the other side of the building and Integra heard Seras screaming. In seconds, she was scurrying back around toward her with the tattered remains of her uniform clenched tightly in her hands and Alucard hot on her heels, clearly enjoying this new game of tag. Seras made a beeline for Integra, skidding to a stop behind her as Alucard lunged.

"Alucard, you idiot! Stop!" Integra yelled as he plowed into them, sending all three of them sprawling on the grass. Integra groaned and opened her eyes to look directly into all six of Alucard's eyes as he peered down at her. He was actually standing on top of her, tail wagging smugly. Integra sighed heavily. "Alucard, if you don't get off of me right this instant, I will-"

But before she could finish her sentence, Alucard snatched her glasses in his mouth and took off for the other side of the estate while Seras helped Integra to her feet. They watched as he stopped a few hundred meters away, shaking the glasses back and forth.

"Honestly, I don't know if he's more dog or vampire anymore," Integra snarled, "It's no matter; I sent out for three more pairs yesterday."

"I wish I could have done the same for my uniform," Seras muttered. She held up the ripped shreds of her uniform and sighed.

Across the grounds, Alucard just grinned.


	7. Day Six

A/N: This one's a little different, but I've wanted to do it for a long time, now. ^_^

Day Six

Seras sat in her room the next night, trying to sew a hole in her current uniform while still wearing it. Alucard had destroyed and or hidden all her other ones, so she was in a bit of a pinch as to what to wear.

"Damn it, master, why'd you have to go and do that?" she mumbled.

"I got bored,"

Seras shrieked and scrambled over to the wall opposite from Alucard. She gaped at him, wild-eyed before making the connection. "Master, don't do that!" she exclaimed. He just shrugged and held up a medium-sized package. "Here," he said, "I suppose I shouldn't have destroyed your clothing. After all, vampires must look decent to be taken seriously," he said with a lopsided smirk. Seras glowered at him and eyed the package warily. "What's in it?" she asked.

"I ordered some new clothes for you. Relax, you can inquire my actions on Walter," he said when she gave him a look suggesting stupidity for thinking she'd buy into another of his dumb pranks. She took the package and then shook it, flinching. Alucard just watched bemusedly. She opened the paper covering the box and pulled out a brand new uniform, identical to the one he'd shredded.

"Wow," she said, "I guess you were right. Thank you, master," she said, turning it inside out to look at the tag. But then, her brow furrowed in confusion. "It's my size exactly. But only Sir Integra knows this," she said, "Master, how did you...." she trailed off, suddenly afraid. Alucard just shrugged.

"I took your measurements while you were sleeping," he said with a smile.

//ooo//

Integra sat in the drawing room, staring out the window and wondering what Alucard was planning next. She really hoped that he was either A, running out of ideas, or B, finding something to occupy his time constructively.

_Crash!!_

Integra jumped, spilling her tea all over the rug. She jumped up and hurried out, remembering the lack of a door in this room, as well as every door in the east wing. She glanced out to see Alucard bolting past in his devil hound form with an enraged Seras close behind him, attempting in vain to swat him with a broom.

"You creepy pervert! How dare you!? Get back here! I'll knock you into next year!" Seras screamed. As she passed, Integra sighed, "I take it he's still at it?" she said.

"Yes!" Seras answered breathlessly, raising the broom up to strike Alucard, who'd stopped at the end of the hall. The broom came flying down, but Alucard leaped over it, bounded straight into his apprentice, knocking her to the floor while he took off back in the direction he'd come, cackling to himself. Integra decided she didn't really want to know this time and returned to the drawing room, sitting down and staring, bereft at her ruined tea.

"What a waste," she muttered, listening to Seras's furious screeches dying away in the distance.

A/N: I'm getting a lot of good feedback from this story. I'm so glad people are enjoying it.


	8. Day Seven

A/N: This chapter was inspired by Faulty Towers by Monty Python. Excellent series, extremely funny. I hope you enjoy it.

Day Seven

Integra hadn't slept a wink the previous night so when she sat up in her bed watching the sun rise, she felt a twinge of irritation. This wasn't too abnormal during times like this, whenever Alucard went on a tangent of pranks during bouts of boredom. After all, waking up with blue food coloring in your hair was enough to make her afraid to go to sleep when he was like this. She knew he'd never hurt her or do anything extremely serious, but she liked to be cautious, just the same. Honestly, it was like dealing with a two-year-old.

She picked her new glasses of the bedside table and slipped them on with a sigh. She double checked her surroundings and nothing appeared out of the ordinary.

She got dressed after triple-checking her clothes for anything suspicious (he'd put live spiders in her wardrobe a few times before, fully aware of her arachnophobia,) and then headed out to ascertain today's damage.

The hallways looked normal. None of the paintings were missing or noticeably defaced. Alexander Kingston Hellsing's portrait still had the eye-holes cut out of it, but she could deal with that later.

"Hm. I guess he finally called it quits," Integra said to herself. She stopped suddenly, however and glanced behind her. She frowned and then continued on, slowly. Once again, she felt her skin crawl at the feeling of being watched. She stopped and turned, but saw nothing. That didn't mean that there was nothing there, of course.

She knew he was there. She could sense his presence. She sighed heavily.

_Great. Now he's stalking me. Just wonderful. _

"Alucard, I'm warning you, if you even think of attacking me, you'd better think again. I know you can hear me," Integra said as calmly as she could muster.

"You're getting sharper, Integra!" she heard him chime out. She let out the breath she'd been holding when she realized he'd given up that little game and had gone away somewhere to torment someone else.

Integra shook her head as she approached her office. She reached out to push the door open (Alucard still hadn't returned the doorknob). Her hand hit...empty wall. Integra frowned and knocked her knuckles against the dry plaster coating the wall where her office door had been. Her eyes widened and she took a few, supposedly calming breaths as she clenched her fists. He'd actually taken out the door, put in new drywall and then coated plaster over it! Now you couldn't even tell there had been a door there! "Alucard!" she yelled, "What have you done with my office door!?"

Now she knew why everything else had seemed so spotless that morning; he'd probably been up most of the night doing this.

"Alucard!" she shouted angrily, "You're really asking for it! Bring back my office door!"

"Sir Integra?"

She turned sharply to see Walter approaching from the other end of the hallway. "What are you shouting about?" he asked.

Integra smiled weakly, "I apologize for disturbing you, Walter, but it seems my office door has disappeared," she said dryly. Walter blinked a few times in surprise as he studied Alucard's 'handiwork'. "Well, I have to say, he'd make quite the contractor," he said. "But I wonder where he's taken it."

"The fifth dimension, maybe?" Integra snapped. "I'm going to find another way in. Maybe I can use a ladder to get up through the window,"

Walter stared after her and sighed, shaking his head. "Alucard, what are we going to do with you?"

A/N: Even I don't know where he took the door to, so don't ask. ^_^


	9. Day Eight

A/N: Here's the next chapter. Still thinking up things to do! Having a blast! And why am I sounding like I'm writing a post card? 0_o

Day Eight

Integra located her door hanging by a length of rope from the chimneys of the main building and had it professionally reinstalled. The men doing the work had asked what had happened to it in the first place and she'd simply told them the truth; that her wayward vampiric servant had made off with it during a fit of boredom. They'd exchanged bewildered glances and Integra was now quite certain they thought she was nuts.

Sitting in her office, she found she was strangely able to concentrate for once. She wondered if it would actually last. She looked up as the door opened and Walter stepped in, his brow furrowed in confusion.

"Walter?" she asked, "What is it?"

"Sir Integra, I have yet to see any damage, today. Have you per chance seen Alucard around?"

"Not since yesterday when I made him tell me where he took my office door to," she said, setting her cigar down in the tray beside her. "It's a little concerning, but I wouldn't worry too much. Even Alucard will run out of ideas soon as it is,"

"Forgive me, but that's why I worry. I keep wondering what his final coup de gras will be," Walter said. Integra smiled and shook her head as the phone rang. She answered it and pulled a report over closer to her.

"This is Integra," she said. Her eyes widened and she stifled a sharp intake of breath, "Your Majesty!" she exclaimed.

"_Good afternoon, Sir Integra, I trust you're well?_"

"Yes, I'm quite fine. And you, Your Majesty?"

"_Quite well. I suppose you may be wondering my reason for calling. An old acquaintance stopped by to see me,_"

Integra felt her blood run cold. "Your Majesty, tell me it isn't-" she started to say.

"_Yes, Alucard came by and I invited him for tea if you don't mind._"

"He hasn't done anything, has he?" Integra asked carefully.

"_Well, no. What would he have done?_"

"With all due respect, he's been rather bored lately and driving us out of our skulls, Your Majesty," Integra muttered. The Queen started laughing.

"_I see,_" she said, chuckling, "_Not to worry, he's been perfectly well-behaved while he's here. He said that you likely didn't know he'd gone so I thought it best to check in for him. You don't mind, do you?_"

"No, no, as long as he isn't bothering you, we're glad to be rid of him for awhile," Integra said, running a hand through her hair in relief that Alucard was minding his manners around the Queen. But then again, he was usually quite respectful around her, so Integra felt she needn't have worried so much.

"_He hasn't caused that much trouble, has he?_" the Queen asked.

"Oh, nothing huge. You know, scaring a few recruits out of their wits, dying the water supply green, the odd door missing here and there, but nothing he can't be shot for," Integra muttered wryly. The Queen started laughing again.

"_How interesting,_" she said, "_I'd never have believed it,_"

"Thank you for calling to let me know, Your Majesty," Integra said.

"_Of course, Integra. I'll keep him out of trouble,_"

"I appreciate it. Have a wonderful day," Integra said. She hung up, sighed heavily and plunked her head down on the table. Walter moved forward slightly, peering down at her curiously. "So, I assume he's visiting Her Majesty, the Queen?" he said.

"Yes. Fortunately, he knows better than to aggravate her. But now, he'll probably have thought up a whole bunch of new ways to torment us when he gets back," Integra growled.

Walter chuckled, "I'll make some tea, Sir Integra," he said.

A/N: Randomness. Yes. Love randomness. ^_^


	10. Day Nine

A/N: pop-virgo97 came up with this idea. I personally think it's quite funny. But I'll leave that to you people to decide.

Day Nine

The following morning, Integra was called to a Round Table Council meeting away from the Hellsing's headquarters. This left her slightly worried, since the recruits were being given the day off and Walter and Seras would both be away from the estate as well. Walter did his best to reassure Integra that everything would be fine.

"Don't forget, Alucard will remain here...that is, if he knows what's good for him," Walter added under his breath.

"That's what I'm worried about, Walter," Integra said, "Alucard's pranks have been getting out of hand. There was a wasp nest above my bedroom door this morning, and a box of confetti waiting atop my office door. Fortunately, I caught that one before it fell on me. His boredom is going to be the death of someone one of these days, Walter,"

"I doubt he'd do anything severely destructive while we're away, Sir Integra," Walter said, "I've known him for a long time and while I've always been aware of his fits of boredom, he was never one to be overly destructive."

"You have a point. But still, I can't help wondering what he's planning next."

"Just attend the council meeting and be rest assured that everything will remain fine while you're away," Walter said. "I've already spoken to Alucard and he's promised not to do anything that will endanger Hellsing's headquarters while you're away."

Integra sighed, "Fine, so long as he stops digging sinkholes all over the place," she grumbled.

//ooo//

Integra spent the entire meeting worrying about what she'd come back to find at the mansion. Heck, she wondered if it would even still be there. As they pulled up the gate, Walter attempted to enter the security code into the password lock.

"Hm?" he muttered. Integra glanced over at him.

"What?"

"Access denied," he said, "I must have entered it incorrectly."

He tried again and then frowned. "That's strange. It's not letting me in," he said.

"You did enter the correct code, right?"

"Yes, I'm quite positive. I'll try paging someone inside." he said, pressing the red button that would ring the office phone on the off chance that someone would hear it. To their surprise, it picked up on the fourth buzz.

"_Who is it?_"

"Alucard, you git, it's us," Integra growled, "Would you by any chance know why the security system won't let us in?"

"_Oh, well you told me to watch over the place until you returned, my master. Lets' just say I took a few extra precautions._"

He started snickering and Integra resisted the urge to bite her tongue. "Alucard, what exactly do you mean by that?"

"_To be on the safe side, I switched out all the locks for new ones and changed every security code. This way, no one can get in,_"

Integra clenched her fists, desperately trying to keep her anger in check. Walter just braced for the coming storm. Alucard was _really_ asking for it now.

"All right," Integra choked out, "Would you mind giving us the new security codes so we can enter our own home!?"

"_I'm so sorry, but I can't do that._"

"And why not, if I may ask?" Walter asked cautiously.

"_Because I changed so many codes today that I can't seem to remember which one went to the front gate._" Alucard said cheerfully. "_Besides, I have no way of knowing that it's really the two of you returning home. Hellsing has many enemies, after all, am I correct?_"

They heard the clicking noise as he hung up and Walter glanced over at Integra. She was seething. "That damned twit!" she snapped, "Now what are we supposed to do?"

"Well, it's no good trying to reason with him. Once he gets in a mood like this, he can go on for hours," Walter said, glancing at the code box. "I guess our only hope is to wait and see if Ms. Victoria returns soon."

They heard the line buzz again and Seras's voice on the other end. She was already inside.

"_Master, what on earth are you doing?_"

"_What does it look like?_"

"_Would you just let them in already? Ugh, never mind, I'll do it. Honestly, you can be such a pain sometimes. Sir Integra, Walter, hang on. I'll open-YAGH!! Master! Put me down! Master, come on, stop it, put me down! Let me go! LET ME GO-O-O!!! Stop it, stop it, stop it!!!_"

Seras's voice died away and Walter and Integra exchanged irritated glances. Walter sighed and folded his arms over the steering wheel while Integra bumped her forehead against her window.

"It looks like we're in for a long night," she muttered.

A/N: Well? What do you think? Hehehe.


	11. Day Ten

A/N: This one is for claymaker who came up with a similar idea. I hope it's funny because it's a little surprising.

Day Ten

Ten days had passed since Alucard had first gotten bored. By now, Integra had hoped he'd be running out of ideas. Of course, he was about to prove her wrong.

She sat at her desk going through some recent reports that she secretly hoped would bring in some work for Alucard to do. With any luck, it would really be something he could sink his teeth into...literally. Recently, the Iscariot Organization had been moving southward toward them which made Integra suspect that maybe the ministry was holding out on them. With her luck, it was bound to be that pest, Anderson. She grinned to herself when she thought of what might happen should that pesky exorcist try to visit Hellsing.

The door opened and Integra looked up. "Oh, good morning, Walter," she said.

"Good morning, Sir Integra," Walter replied. "After last night's incident with the locks, I assume you'll be pleased with today's blend. As I recall, it's one of your favorites,"

Integra smiled wearily. "You're quite right, as usual," she muttered, "Believe me, having to force the locksmith out of bed at eleven at night wasn't as easy as it seemed. And of course, Alucard's nowhere to be found, yet again. It took me all night to reset those locks,"

Walter poured her a cup of tea and handed it to her. Integra sighed, enjoying the relaxing aroma. "I'm almost hoping we hear of a case, soon," she murmured.

"I don't blame you in the slightest, Sir Integra. Alucard managed to scare off another recruit this morning. Poor chap. Could only babble nonsense at first, but we managed to deduce that Alucard spent most of the night stalking him. He didn't quit, thankfully, but I've given him a few weeks' off. He'd never seen Alucard before because if he had, he'd have known to ignore him or worst case scenario, shoot at him," Walter said.

"Yes, because Alucard knows better than to actually attack his own allies," Integra grumbled, "Hopefully."

She took a sip of her tea and then immediately gagged, sputtering and coughing violently. Walter hurried over anxiously, "What's the matter?" he exclaimed.

"Salt!" Integra gasped, "It's saltwater!"

"What? That can't be, I just filled it with fresh water from the tap," Walter said.

"He must have filled it with salt sometime beforehand," Integra snapped. She snatched the kettle from him and stormed out of her office. Walter stared after her curiously, wondering when Alucard had gotten the chance to fill the kettle with salt.

Integra stalked down to the basement were Alucard and Seras's respective chambers were. Seras opened the door at the sound of her footsteps. "Sir Integra? What's going on?" she asked, hurrying after her.

"I'm going to pay your master a little visit, Seras," Integra said sharply. She threw the door to his chamber open. He remained sitting in his chair across the room, seemingly asleep. Integra stormed over, raised the kettle up as she approached and them proceeded to dump the water all over him once she'd reached him. Alucard yelled in surprise, leaping to his feet and glaring at Integra.

"Any particular reason for this, my master?" he snarled, though his eyes held a peculiar amused gleam. Integra hurled the kettle at him, striking him sharply in the shoulder with a force that would have knocked the joint out of place had Alucard been human.

"Just a taste of your own medicine, you creep," Integra hissed, whirling and stalking out. Seras stared after her and then turned to her master. He was busy wringing his hair out.

"Sorry, master, but you were kinda asking for it," she said, resisting the urge to laugh.

Alucard regarded her blankly for a moment. Then, his face split into a rather creepy, mischievous grin. Seras gulped and took a step back, gesturing toward the door, "Uh, I'll be going now," she muttered. She was gone in two seconds flat. Alucard's eyebrows quirked in surprise.

"I'm impressed; she's getting faster," he said as he finished wringing his hair out.

A/N: He was so asking for it. ^_^


	12. Day Eleven

Day Eleven

Integra did her best to focus on her work, knowing full well that Alucard could show up at any time with some new and stupid trick that was sure to drive her out of her skull. After the incident with the tea kettle the day before, Seras had locked herself in both her room and her coffin and refused to come out, dead convinced that she was his next victim. Integra didn't blame her in the slightest and wondered if she knew that it was impossible to hide from that lunatic.

She glanced down at a report of figures beside her and bristled, leaping to her feet and whipping out the handgun she'd started carrying. The paper was covered in thirty or so eyes of varying sizes, all moving separately in different directions before focusing on her.

"All right," she yelled at the mess of eyes dotting her paper, "Knock it off!"

"_But why?_" said Alucard's voice from somewhere nearby.

"Because I need that report," Integra gritted out.

"_I'm only keeping an 'eye' out for you, Integra,_" Alucard drawled. Integra groaned.

"Alucard, just get out of the damn paper!" Integra snapped.

"_Oh, very well. I'm on my way up as it is,_"

"What?"

The sound of heavy footsteps alerted her to a new presence approaching her door. They didn't sound like Alucard's footsteps and he rarely used the door as it was. Whoever was approaching was probably human. They stopped outside her door.

"_What the-?_"

Integra rolled her eyes. The accent was Scottish. This could only be one person.

"The door pushes open," she called. "Come in, Anderson,"

He shoved the door open and strode inside, looking extremely irritated to say the least. In his hand, he'd dragged Alucard's dog form in by the scruff. Alucard allowed himself to be dragged around, tongue lolling out and tail wagging happily. Integra just stared in bewildered amazement as Anderson dropped him unceremoniously to the floor with a resounding _thud_.

"Ae take it this belongs to ye," he snapped, "Keep that thing on a leash,"

"Do I want to know what he's been doing?" Integra muttered as Alucard picked himself up off the floor and sat down, watching them expectantly. He turned to Integra.

"Ae'll let ye guess, Hellsing, jus' be grateful ae brought 'im back." Anderson growled. As he turned to leave, Integra saw that a large chunk of his coat was missing. At the same moment, Alucard started choking and with a weird hacking noise, spit out a soggy, wrinkled piece of cloth. He turned to Integra and grinned. Integra let out a hissing sigh and then whirled to her window, throwing it open and stalking over to Alucard.

As Anderson made his way to the gate, he heard loud snarling coming from the upper floors and turned just in time to see Alucard come flying out from the third story window, landing in a patch of rosebush on the ground below. Integra leaned out the window, "And stay out you mangy fleabag!" she shrieked, slamming the windows shut. Anderson just watched in astonishment as Alucard picked himself out of the rosebush rather painfully and hobbled off, cackling to himself.

Anderson blinked, turned away and shook his head, "Sure am glad I don' work 'ere," he muttered.


	13. Day Twelve

A/N: Sorry for the delay. This chapter is a special version of Alucard's dog form as a remembrance to my companion of eight years, Pippy-May. My golden retriever-toy collie mix passed away on Wednesday, March 3rd, 2010. Everyone, enjoy this random chapter and say a silent farewell to her for me.

Day Twelve

Integra glanced at the clock in her room. It was two in the morning and she hadn't gotten any sleep at all. Soon, she'd have to be up and headed off to another meeting. This time, Walter and Seras were staying behind to keep Alucard out of trouble, if that was possible.

She got up and draped her robe around herself, going into the bathroom for a drink of water. She examined her reflection in the mirror and sighed. She was going to be twenty-three next month. It was hard to believe it had been over ten years since she inherited the position as head of the family from her father. Three days after his death, she'd met Alucard. Of course, she'd managed to gain his respect by refusing to cave into her fear of him. If she had, he'd probably have eaten her. The thought of it made her shudder. In the days following their meeting, Alucard had reacted strangely to most everything. He'd electrocuted himself while examining an outlet in her office, setting both the drapes and his hair on fire in the process. To top it off, he'd done it again the next day, claiming it to have been fun.

She was pretty sure the first electrocution fried his brain somewhat.

As she returned to her room to try to get at least an hour of sleep, she froze and looked up. Her shoulders sagged and she sighed, rubbing her eyes wearily.

"Alucard," she growled at the demonic dog lying curled in a ball in the center of the bed. His eyes opened and he looked up, tilting his head quizzically. He didn't move. Integra stalked forward, glaring down at him. "Get out of here," she snapped.

He just lifted one ear up.

"You git, did you hear me?"

He chewed on one of his paws.

"What are you doing in here?"

He yawned.

"Alucard, answer me!"

Acting more and more like a dog, he rolled on his back, attempting to look cute. Integra scowled. "You aren't cute and you never will be, Alucard. Believe me, you're scarier when you're trying to be cute than when you're in full blood lust."

He returned to his curled up position and yawned again. Integra sighed heavily.

"I'm too tired to argue with you, you mangy mongrel. I'm going to the guest room." she snapped, pulling the hem of her robe closer around her as she left her room.

As she made her way down the hall, she was vaguely aware she was being followed. She frowned, hearing the silent footfalls. She stopped and turned. Alucard stopped as well, peering up at her expectantly. Integra scowled at him. "Are you planning on following me?" she asked, gritting her teeth.

Alucard sat down.

"Seras is still awake so why don't you go and bug her?" Integra suggested.

Alucard's tongue lolled out. Integra rolled her eyes.

"Just stop following me, damn it!" she snapped. She continued down the hall, all too aware of his presence as he resumed following her.

She went into the guest room and shut the door behind her, knowing that even if she locked it, he'd still get in if he wanted to. She turned around, only to stop in her tracks and glare at him sitting on the bed behind her.

"How long do you insist on following me?" she growled.

He just tilted his head again. Integra yanked on her hair and sighed. She stalked over, shoved him off the bed (with great difficulty) and climbed beneath the covers, pulling them up to her chin and closing her eyes. She resisted the urge to shriek in frustration when he jumped right back up, scrambled to the other side and sat down behind her, resting his chin on her shoulder and staring at her. She opened one eye and glared up at him.

"You're really asking for it you damned idiot," she snarled. All six of his eyes blinked simultaneously and his ears rose up as he grinned at her. Integra made a face and shoved her head beneath the covers.

"Your breath stinks," she growled.

A/N: I thought this was pretty funny. ^_^


	14. Day Thirteen

A/N: Still coming up with ideas. The next one should be good, I hope. ^_^

Day Thirteen

Walter found Integra rifling through her desk drawers, seemingly growing more irritated by the minute. She was muttering to herself under her breath as she tossed random objects onto her desk. She looked up at his approach and sighed. "Good afternoon, Walter,"

"Good afternoon, Sir Integra," Walter replied, "Er, might I ask what you're looking for?"

"My glasses broke this morning. Somehow, the frames had been buttered and I dropped them," she growled, "And now I can't find my other pairs and you know how bad my vision is without them,"

"Of course," Walter said. Integra fixed with a lopsided glare. Walter cleared his throat, "I'm afraid that didn't come out the way I meant it," he muttered.

"In any case, I can't work until I've found them." Integra said. Then she froze. "Oh no, you don't think...." she said, trailing off.

"Well, I did see him outside last night. But I dismissed it as nothing. He's always enjoyed patrolling the grounds as Baskerville once in a while," Walter said in reference to the dog form Alucard sometimes employed.

Before Integra could reply, there was a knock at the door. She sat up and folded her hands in her lap, doing her best to look dignified without her glasses. "Come in," she called. Captain Lawrence opened the door and stepped in. "Sir Integra," he said, "I'm afraid that we can't begin routine training today,"

"And why not?" Integra asked suspiciously.

"Because every single firearm is missing from the storage room," Lawrence told her, "As well as every piece of ammunition we had in stock,"

"Oh dear," Walter said, "I think I'm beginning to understand what Alucard was doing last night,"

Integra rubbed her eyes wearily, resisting the urge to scream.

//ooo//

Eight hours later and Integra stood at her window staring down at the hundreds upon hundreds of little holes dotting the grounds. Alucard had taken it upon himself to not only steal every hand gun and bullet in Hellsing, as well as Seras's Harkonnen, but to also _take apart_ every handgun and the Harkonnen and bury each piece and each bullet in its own separate little hole all over the grounds. This included Integra's glasses. One lens had been discovered by the training grounds, the other buried directly beneath her window. Seras's Harkonnen was still missing pieces, but most of it had been found in a combination of holes near the various entrances. Now while most everything had been dug up, the grounds looked atrocious.

She heard his footsteps as he approached the door, warping through it as usual.

"You summoned me, Integra?" Alucard said cheerfully.

"Alucard, I'm going to be straight forward and tell you that I'm sick of this," Integra snapped, turning around to face him, "When are you going to stop these ridiculous pranks?"

"When another job comes up and not before," Alucard said with a nod of his head.

"All right, what can I do to get one day of peace around here?"

"Find me something to do,"

Integra regarded him coolly. Then she sighed heavily. "All right, why don't you help Seras with the recruits tomorrow?"

"Too boring," Alucard said bluntly. "If you don't mind, I'll stick to my usual habits until another job comes up. Good evening," he said as he warped back through the door.

"Alucard!" Integra yelled, but he was already gone.


	15. Day Fourteen

A/N: I was cracking up during this one. Inspired by Bakura's incident at Duelist Kingdom down in the underground catacombs. Magdalene and Maibe, if they're reading this, should understand what I'm talking about, as well as any other Yu-Gi-Oh fan. Hehe.

Day Fourteen

Seras lay on her bed, reading a book she'd borrowed from Walter. Alucard hadn't been seen all that morning and Seras wasn't sure whether to feel relieved or concerned. After all, who knows what that weirdo was planning next. He was probably spending the day cooking up new ideas of tormenting people. The recruits were _still_ searching for all the ammunition he'd buried the day before.

The speakers buzzed suddenly, signaling someone trying to send a message. Seras put her book down as Integra cleared her throat.

"_This is a message to all of Hellsing. If Alucard is spotted, do not hesitate to defend yourselves if necessary. That is all,_"

Seras blinked at that, frowning. Defend themselves? Was Alucard getting violent? She got up and moved to the door, setting her book on the table. She opened her door and stepped out. Instantly, something clasped her shoulder and she squeaked, glancing down. A gray, skeletal hand had grabbed her from behind.

"_Eeeeaagggh!!!_"

Alucard jolted awake in his chamber as the door was flung open, something dashing inside and flailing about the room wildly. He watched it for just a few seconds in bewildered confusion before recognizing Seras. She was zooming about the room with a skeleton clinging to her back.

"Getitoffgetitoffgetitoff!" Seras shrieked. Alucard stood up, waited until she was in range and plucked the skeleton off of her by the neck. Seras smacked into the wall and fell back with a moan. She stared upwards as Alucard stood over her, still holding the skeleton.

"What a shame," he said, "You don't like your new friend? He seemed very fond of you," he said as he turned the skeleton's head so that it peered down at her. Seras sighed and shuddered. "Well I'm not so fond of him, master. Why'd you prop a skeleton up beside my door, anyway!?" she whined.

"Actually, I didn't do this one," Alucard said, "Until I was so abruptly disturbed, I've been rather deeply asleep for most of today,"

Seras blinked in surprise as Alucard dropped the skeleton on top of her and turned to go sit back down in his chair. Seras hurled the skeleton aside and jumped to her feet, running over and shoving her face directly in front of his. He opened his eyes, staring at her blandly.

"Yes?"

"You're so lying to me! You've been pulling stupid pranks for two weeks! That skeleton was just another one, right? Like when you locked me inside my coffin and glued cat ears to my head!"

Alucard sighed, reached out and deftly shoved her backwards a bit. "You're overreacting, Police-Girl. I told you, I've been asleep until now,"

"Yeah, right," Seras growled, "I'm warning you master, I can pull pranks too! If you don't knock it off, you might wake up one morning to find your head in France and the rest of you in Japan!"

Alucard chuckled mirthfully, "Really? Well, then, I look forward to it, Police Girl. Old as I am, I've never been to Japan. Isn't that sad?"

"Stop toying with me!" Seras shrieked.

"Oh, I enjoy nothing better," Alucard said with a smile and a tilt of his head. He stood up, "However, at the moment, I'd like to return to sleep. So if you don't mind, could you please leave?"

"Not until you promise to stop pranking me and everyone else in Hellsing!"

Alucard sighed and got to his feet, moving toward her. Seras took a few steps back, suddenly a little afraid.

"Uh...." she said, "I'll just be going then,"

In the blink of an eye, she was gone. Alucard chuckled and turned to the skeleton, a grin forming on his face.

//ooo//

Seras returned to her room after spending a few hours in the attic where she was sure he wouldn't find her. She closed her door with a sigh and moved to her bed. The lid was down, which was odd, but Seras was too tired to wonder why as she pressed the button to open it. Her eyes widened in horror.

"_Eeeeeeeaaaghhh!!_"

Almost immediately, the door flew open at the same time Alucard warped through the stone wall dividing their chambers. Walter stepped inside and they both stared down at the unconscious Seras Victoria, lying in a daze on the floor. Walter took in the skeleton lying inside the coffin bed and then glared at Alucard, grinning beside him.

"Alucard, as long as I've known you, I don't believe I've ever told you. You've got a warped sense of humor," Walter said dryly.


	16. Day Fifteen

A/N: I hope this is funny. ^_^

Day Fifteen

Seras sat at the table in her room, trying to focus on her book and flinching every two seconds, expecting Alucard to appear randomly every time. Fortunately, he seemed to be missing in action, having left Hellsing at dusk for parts unknown, even to Integra. No one was complaining though; they were glad he seemed to have found something to keep him busy for the day, other than driving people out of their skulls.

She could hope, right?

"What are you reading?"

Seras screamed shrilly, hurling the book into the air and leaping to her feet, glowering at him. "Master! Please don't do that!" she shrieked. Alucard grinned and caught the book as it fell back down, handing it back to her. She snatched it from him and slammed it down on the table.

"All right, what do you want?" she growled.

"As you know, I went out earlier today to run an errand. I brought you back a gift."

Seras just stared at him, "Huh?"

Alucard sighed, "You're certainly slow, Police-Girl. I brought you back a token of apology for all of my antics over the past two weeks. Would you like to see it?"

Seras just blinked in confusion. "Okay, what'd you do?" she exclaimed incredulously, "I mean really, master, what is it? A slug?"

He moved to the door and warped through it, Seras following closely as she had to actually open the door to leave the room. "Master, what is it? A dead fish?"

"Why on earth would I bring you back a dead fish as a gift?"

"Because you're not the type to apologize for anything!" Seras yelled. "So what is it?"

"A pet for you," Alucard said, "I've also asked Integra to have a look at him. I think you'll find him quite satisfactory,"

As he spoke, they heard the familiar footsteps approaching and turned to see Integra coming toward them, her usually expressionless face showing her deep suspicion of this so-called 'pet' Alucard had brought for Seras.

"All right, Alucard, is there any reason you asked me to look at it?" Integra said as she came closer.

"Yes. If Seras is to keep a pet, it must first have your approval. After all, I wouldn't _dream_ of doing something against your will, my master," Alucard smirked.

"Right, of course you wouldn't," Integra growled. "Well, lead on. What kind of 'pet' is it, then?" she asked irritably.

"You might call it a dog," Alucard said as he led them into the basement.

"What do you mean 'might'?" Seras asked suspiciously. She and Integra exchanged wary glances.

"You'll see," Alucard said. He led them down into the dungeons to the first cell in the lineup. He nodded to Seras to open the door.

"Go on," he said, "If it bites, it's probably not fatal,"

"Gee, thanks," Seras grumbled. She stepped cautiously toward the door and pushed it open. As soon as light hit the creature sitting inside, Seras's eyes went wide and she just stared. The creature stared back, angrily, sitting cross-legged with his arms folded. His cat ears twitched furiously.

"Vell, it's about time," Schrodinger growled at Seras. "I've been stuck in zis stupid cell for a little over two hours, now,"

Seras just blinked and whirled to Alucard, "_You kidnapped the cat-boy!?_" she shrieked.

"I'm a verevolf!" Schrodinger shouted, "_Und _I'll thank you to let me out of here before I get angry!"

Integra rubbed her eyes and groaned. "Alucard," she muttered. Alucard turned to her, grinning, "Yes?"

"I've always wondered if vampires could go senile. I'm starting to believe I'm correct. Fine, then. Seras, how do you like your new 'pet'?"

Seras blinked and turned back to look in at Schrodinger, standing there with his fists clenched, glaring at them.

"I guess he's fine," Seras said.

"Good. Just make sure he's trained. I'm going back upstairs," Integra said, heading back up the way they came. Seras watched her go and then looked back at Alucard, grinning at her.

"Uh...," she said, "Thank you for the...uh, gift,"

"I'm glad you like it," Alucard said.

"Don't I get a say in zis?" Schrodinger grumbled.

"Not really, kitty-boy," Alucard taunted. He moved off down the hall, chuckling. "I'll bring down some kibble for you later,"

Seras watched him go, too and then looked at the kid standing in the cell.

"Uh," she said, "I'll let you out of here when he's asleep, okay?"

"Please make it fast," Schrodinger growled, sitting back down and folding his arms. Seras shut the door again and did her best to stifle her laughter as she left the dungeons.


	17. Day Sixteen

A/N: Sorry it took so long. I've been trying to get ahead in new ideas and I hope I'm still as funny and random as ever. Unfortunately, my list of nutty things for Alucard to do was destroyed when my computer was reformatted so I'll need to write a new one. If anyone has something they want him to do, just say so and I'll see what I can do.

Day Sixteen

After returning Schrodinger to the heart of London where he'd make his own way back home, Seras felt drained. Alucard had been playing ridiculous pranks on people for over two weeks. On top of that, he'd successfully made off with every single remaining doorknob in Hellsing, much to Integra's dismay. He _still_ hadn't returned the doorknob to her office, yet.

"I need a shower," Seras muttered as she went back into her room. She didn't bother to lock the door. If he was planning to shock her by warping through the walls, he wouldn't bother to use the door.

She went into the bathroom to set the faucet and froze. There was a funny noise coming from the tub. Seras frowned and carefully approached the tub, ready to bolt if she had to. She flung back the curtain and peered inside.

"EEEEEEEAAAAGGHHH!!!!"

//ooo//

Integra jumped in alarm when Seras threw the door open, holding something rather large and shapeless in her right hand. Seras looked a tad uncomfortable to say the least as whatever she was holding started to climb up her arm.

"Seras, what is that?" Integra asked cautiously.

"Sir Integra, this is an octopus," Seras said with barely concealed rage.

"All right, then, why are you carrying a live octopus around the building?" Integra asked.

"Because I found it in my _shower!_" Seras growled at the same time Alucard appeared in the doorway. He peered down at the octopus crawling up his apprentice's arm and smirked.

"Interesting new friend you have, Police-Girl," he said. Seras glowered at him.

"Is this your doing?" she growled, shoving her arm with the octopus in his face.

"Well, your other pet seems to have run away," he said, "So I figured I should replace him. I hope this one suits your fancy,"

"_No it most certainly does not! Get this stupid thing off me!_" Seras shrieked.

"Alucard, where on earth did you get an octopus from?" Integra asked.

"There are some things you're better off imagining, Integra," Alucard with a smile. "Don't forget, Police-Girl, that creature lives in saltwater."

"Master!" Seras yelled as he left, "Come on! Please take it back to wherever you got it from! Eew, it feels weird! Get it off! Come on!" Seras begged as she followed him, her voice slowly fading away down the hall.

Integra shook her head, barely registering Walter coming in through the other door with the cordless phone, an odd expression on his face. He made his way over, nodding.

"Yes, yes sir, she's here. No, I'm not entirely sure what happened, but...yes, I see. Hang on a moment...Sir Integra, I have a man on the line from the London zoo. It seems their Pacific Giant Octopus has gone missing."


	18. Day Seventeen

A/N: I'm back in business! Yay! More new ideas are flooding in like never before! I got an uber sweet one for Alucard to do to Integra. This will be both cute and funny at the same time! But that's enough hinting. This one's just randomness.

Day Seventeen

Integra was still working when she noticed the lights flickering. She sighed. That was never a good sign. When the power went out suddenly, she knew that Alucard had been fooling around with the generator again.

The door opened and Walter stepped in, his face irritated. "Sir Integra, one of the workmen spotted Alucard leaving the maintenance shed. He said he appeared rather scorched."

"Yes, I know," Integra said, "Honestly, what's his obsession with electricity? He's electrocuted himself at least eight times since I freed him,"

"Perhaps it's because electricity is a relatively new development that he wasn't around to see, Sir Integra. Therefore, it fascinates him for some reason," Walter suggested.

"I'm fairly certain his mind has suffered," Integra grumbled.

"_Oh not so, Integra!_"

They both turned at the sound of his voice as he warped through the wall, his eyes wild. "I just find it fascinating, like Walter said. After all, the possibilities for it are endless."

"Okay, what did you do to it this time?"

"I short circuited it. Nothing severe," Alucard said. "It'll come back on in about ten minutes,"

"Yes, on auxiliary power," Integra growled. "Alucard, what were you trying to do?" she demanded. But her eyes narrowed and she sighed. "Alucard, are you aware that your eyebrows are gone?"

"Really? How about that?" Alucard said with a smile. Integra groaned and plunked her head down on her desk. "Argh! Why on earth did I ever let you out of that cell!?" she shrieked.

"Because I saved your life. Ta-ta for now, my master," Alucard chimed as he left the way he came. Walter chuckled. "He's in a good mood today," he said cheerfully.

"I suppose," Integra grumbled. "But seriously, we need to find some work for him soon. I'm afraid to leave the place unguarded with him around,"

As she spoke, there was yet another muffled _thud_ from inside her desk drawer. Integra glanced over at it and sighed. "Walter, open the windows," she said. "One of these days, I'm going to have to ask him how he did that without me seeing it,"

She made to open the drawer.


	19. Day Eighteen

A/N: This one was fun because it's in two parts. The next one will be published later. Hope you like! Oh, and as for what he put in her desk drawer in the previous chapters, the fun was in letting your imaginations go to work.

Day Eighteen

Eighteen days and still no word from anyone on recent vampire attacks. Integra was getting worried. Security guards had been posted near the generator to at least send her an early warning if Alucard was spotted. However, for most of the day, nothing really happened. Sure, a Burmese tiger trap had been set up in the west hallway, snaring poor captain Lawrence on his way to see her, but other than that, nothing was really out of the ordinary.

That evening, Integra was about to call it a break in routine when it happened.

_Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-BAM!!_

Integra yelled, dropping a stack of papers to the floor. She leaped to her feet, running to the window and throwing it open. "What on earth is that!?" she exclaimed, just in time to see another firework erupt in the twilight sky.

"Good evening, Integra,"

Integra whirled in shock to see him hanging upside down from the roof outside her window. Integra scowled.

"Fireworks? Alucard, seriously, where on earth did you get fireworks?" she demanded.

"I spent most of the day in town looking for something to do," he explained, "And I heard some tourists talking about a holiday called the Fourth of July. It sounded interesting so I asked them what happens," he explained. Integra's shoulders sagged and she sighed.

"Alucard, the 4th of July is an American holiday. This is England! Aside from that, it's January 2nd!"

"As I recall, human bindings don't work on me. Time has no meaning for me, Integra, and neither does the weather. Seeing how I don't feel the cold, it might as well be the 4th of July for me," he smirked. Integra glared at him, jumping slightly as another firework went off somewhere nearby. She could hear the confused yelling of the soldiers around the estate.

"All right, Alucard, I'm willing to make a bargain," she said in exasperation, "In exchange for two days' worth of peace, what do you want?"

He closed his eyes in thought, folding his arms, still suspended upside down. "Lets' see...." he mumbled. Integra waited patiently, glancing up only briefly as yet another firework lit up the night sky.

"It has to be within reason, Alucard," Integra pointed out blandly.

"You're no fun,"

"As I recall, I'm your master. I'm supposed to keep you in line," Integra growled.

"_Touche_. All right then, I've decided," he said.

"What is it?" Integra asked, slightly wary of the answer.

"Walter asked me to run some errands tomorrow to get me away from Hellsing for a while," he said, "I'd like you to come with me,"

Integra just stared at him. Though she'd never say it out loud, that was actually quite reasonable of him. Knowing him, it could have been anything, within reason or not.

"Why?" she asked in the meantime.

"Because you don't get out enough,"

Integra glared at him and sighed heavily.

"Fine," she growled. "But you're to quit these shenanigans for two whole days in return, do you understand?"

"Transparently, Integra," Alucard said with a smile. Integra just glared at him and sighed.

"Now, before you start by deactivating however many fireworks you still have up there, I'd like to ask you something,"

"What?"

"How can you hang upside down like that for so long and not black out?" she asked.

But Alucard didn't answer. Instead, he flipped right-side up and climbed back up on the roof. Integra heard a dull _clunk _as she turned back into her office, leaving the window open to help clear the smoke from the fireworks that had drifted into the room.

"Integra, watch out!" she heard Alucard yell suddenly just as a flaming rocket of some sort whizzed through the window and began a wild ricochet around the room. Integra moved behind her desk, reaching for her hand pistol she'd started keeping in her drawer. She yanked it out, aimed carefully and shot the thing down before it smashed into the door. It smacked against the wall and flopped to the floor, still sizzling madly. At that moment, Alucard appeared on the windowsill, staring at it.

"Sorry," he said, "That one got away from me. Nice shooting, Integra," he said with a smirk before disappearing back onto the roof. Integra went over and leaned out the window.

"If I didn't know better, I'd have thought you did that on purpose, Alucard," she growled. She turned and went over to the rocket, folding her arms as she wondered what to do with it.

"What makes you think it was a complete accident?" she heard him say and whirled angrily. But he was already out of sight again. She shook her head, sighing irritably.

"Damned idiot," she growled.


	20. Day Nineteen

A/N: This one's my longest yet! It's part two from Day Eighteen! I personally think it's both funny and cute, but I'll leave that up to you to decide! Yay!!

Day Nineteen

In keeping with the promise she made, Integra finished with the buttons on her coat, opting to withhold on the hat this time. It wasn't like she needed it.

Walter stood by the door of her office as she made her way down the hallway, hands shoved in her pockets.

"I suppose I'll see you in the evening, then, Walter," she said.

"Are you certain this is a good idea?" Walter asked.

"I made him a deal. He's requested I accompany him on some errand in exchange for two days' of peace around here. Knowing him like we both do, Walter, it could have been much worse," Integra said.

"That's true," Walter grumbled. They both turned at the sound of footsteps and Integra scowled. Walter just covered his eyes and shook his head. It wasn't Alucard, at least it didn't appear to be. Instead, there stood before them what appeared to be a fourteen-year-old girl.

"In a word," Integra said, "No,"

"Why not?" the..._thing_ said angrily.

"Alucard, if you don't revert back to what you call normal in ten seconds, the deal's off. I'll put up with whatever nonsense you were planning," Integra growled. Alucard smirked and warped through the wall. "Fine, I'll meet you outside," he chimed.

"Excuse me, Sir Integra," Walter said, "But how did _you_ know it was him?"

"It had fangs, Walter and we only have two vampires in Hellsing. Don't worry, I'll keep him out of trouble,"

"Will you be taking a car?" Walter asked.

"No, it should be fine. But come to think of it, I'm not entirely certain how he's been getting to town in the first place," Integra muttered.

True to his word, he stood by the front entrance of Hellsing, hands in his coat pockets, waiting, and surprisingly, whistling. Integra approached and strode past him.

"Come on, lets' go," she said irritably.

"After you," he said.

It was a relatively short walk to the heart of London from Hellsing's headquarters. Integra just kept trying to predict what Alucard might be planning next, casting occasional glances at him walking beside her.

"Is something the matter?" he asked.

"No. I was just wondering what you're planning to irritate us with next," Integra grumbled.

"You certainly don't trust me, do you Integra?" Alucard said with a grin. He paused and Integra glared at him. Alucard tilted his head, frowning. "I just noticed something, Integra," he said.

"What?"

He peered over his glasses at her curiously. "You're rather short, aren't you?"

Integra clenched her fist, pounding it lightly against his shoulder. "Yes. I. Know." she gritted out.

"It's nothing to be ashamed of," Alucard pointed out.

"Whoever said I was!?"

"Careful, Integra. You don't want to lose your head," he said teasingly. Integra was literally seething. But she knew there was almost nothing she could do to get back at him. Well, there was one thing.

She reacted faster than he did, lashing out and snatching his sunglasses, sticking them in her pocket and stalking down the sidewalk.

"Move it, Alucard," she snapped. He stared after her in bewilderment before shrugging and following her. After five minutes, Integra spoke again.

"What did Walter ask you to get?" she asked.

"He didn't. I lied,"

Integra stopped, glaring down at the sidewalk with an expression of irritated shock. Slowly, she turned to glower up at him.

"I hate you,"

"I love you too," Alucard chimed out, tipping his hat with a grin. And with that, he continued forward, humming to himself.

"Come along, Integra, a promise is a promise after all," he called back. Integra moaned, slapping a hand over her eyes as she trudged after him.

"Damn it, I can't believe I fell for this," she grumbled. Alucard chuckled. "Am I really that horrible to be around?" he asked mirthfully.

"Not in general, Alucard. I'm just stressed from your constant pranks."

"Well, you should have said something sooner. Tonight's prank will be deactivated upon our return," he said.

"What prank?"

"Well, lets' just say you were supposed to have difficulty sleeping tonight," he said. She could have sworn he sounded almost sheepish. Integra stared after him curiously.

"Alucard, what were you planning to do?" she asked cautiously.

"Oh nothing,"

"Seriously, tell me,"

"No,"

"Alucard," Integra said warningly. But he refused to answer and this argument went on for several more minutes. Finally, Integra gave up and fell silent as they made it to the bustling downtown of London. The next few hours were spent just aimlessly wandering the city, since Alucard didn't really have an errand to run after all. At one point, he asked Integra what made London's double - decker buses so special and she absently told him she'd never ridden one so she wouldn't know. The next thing she knew, she was unable to say that anymore, as he'd dragged her onto one and somehow paid for the fare. After getting over the initial shock of it, Integra cast a suspicious glance at him.

"Alucard, where did you get the money to afford a bus trip?" she asked.

"I found it lying on the ground sometime last year and decided to keep it," Alucard said.

"Last year?" Integra exclaimed. Alucard shrugged.

"What would I buy with it?" he asked. Integra nodded wearily. He did have a point, there.

All in all, though most of the day was spent arguing with him over various aspects, Integra could honestly say that it wasn't a bad way to spend what would have otherwise been an exhausting work day. Upon returning home, Integra finally returned his glasses.

"Consider that payback for stealing mine," she said smugly.

"Payback considered," he said. "Now tell me, was that as bad as you thought it would be?" he asked.

"What was?"

"Integra, tell me you're joking. Was spending the day with me really so horrible?" he asked with a lopsided grin. Integra sighed heavily.

"No, it wasn't, Alucard. Though I'm a little ticked off about that blatant lie."

"Point taken. The next time I want you to accompany me, I'll say it outright. That or I'll just kidnap you," he said, heading off toward the main building. Integra glared after him and sighed, shaking her head.

"Father, I now understand why you locked him away. He's nuts," she muttered.


	21. Day Twenty

A/N: Sorry for the long wait. I ran out of ideas. This one was inspired by watching my niece and nephew play around in the sprinkler. I hope you enjoy it. ^_^

Day Twenty

Integra was just finishing up some work for the day. So far, nothing out of the ordinary had happened and she could only count her blessings. Besides, Alucard had promised no more pranks for two days if she accompanied him to town the day before, which she had. She'd complained about it for the most part, but all in all, it hadn't been that bad. Alucard was an interesting person to be with when he made an effort to try. And spending the day with him just pointlessly wandering the city had actually calmed her stressed nerves somewhat. Of course, one could consider themselves immensely fortunate to hear her say this out loud. She never did find out what his prank to keep her from sleeping was, though. Knowing him, it was probably hoking a radio up to the intercom.

_Bam!_

"Sir Integra, help me!" Seras screamed, dashing inside all of a sudden as she threw the door open and then slammed it closed. Integra didn't even flinch during all of this, even when Seras actually dove beneath her desk, knocking over the wastebasket and quivering. Integra pushed her chair back and peered down at her curiously, "What is it, Seras?" she grumbled.

"He's really mad this time, Sir Integra!" Seras hissed, eyes wide, "You've gotta hide me!"

"From who? Alucard?"

"Yes!" Seras squeaked.

Integra looked up at footsteps entering the room. Her eyes went wide in surprise at Alucard standing there, covered head to toe in a weird white paste. His eyes blazed in irritation and he sighed, "Good evening, Integra," he said, "Did you happen to see my apprentice anywhere?"

Integra knew he was aware that Seras was hiding under the desk. She chuckled dryly, "I haven't. But what exactly has gotten onto you?"

Alucard glanced down at himself and his arms, barely any red from his coat visible beneath whatever it was, " Flour and water," he said tonelessly, "And it's drying,"

Integra resisted the urge to laugh as she stood up, "All right, what happened?"

She asked this as she dragged Seras out from beneath the desk. Alucard spotted her and snarled and she squeaked and ducked behind Integra. Integra sighed and pushed her glasses back, "All right, what happened?"

Seras scowled, "I'm tired of putting up with his stupid pranks, so I...." Seras mumbled.

"So you what?" Integra pried. Alucard snarled again, catching her attention.

"I'll tell you what she did. She filled my coffin with water and then doused me with flour!" he yelled. Integra's eyebrow raised and she glanced back at Seras.

"A very interesting idea, Seras," she said, "I wish I'd thought of it,"

"Please don't encourage her," Alucard said in exasperation. Integra chuckled. "All right, Seras, as punishment for this, you're to take him outside as he is and hose him off. Alucard, if you do anything in retaliation, you will regret it. Do you understand you two?"

"Yes," Seras said. Alucard just grumbled under his breath as he stalked out, Seras following several feet behind him.

Integra moved to the window where she could keep an eye on this. She leaned against the frame with her arms folded, watching as Seras appeared with the hose and turned it on full blast. The hose whipped out of her hands and went whizzing through the air, spraying erratically in every direction while Seras chased frantically after it. Once she finally got the nozzle aimed at him, she again turned it on too much and practically drowned him at the same time. Integra sighed heavily as Alucard snatched the hose and grabbed Seras by the collar of her shirt, shaking her in irritation before dropping her unceremoniously and stalking off in anger. Integra shook her head, "Honestly, it's like dealing with a couple of children," she grumbled.


	22. Day Twenty One

A/N: This one came out of nowhere. Honestly. It's random! Enjoy!

Day Twenty-One

Integra made her way down to the front entrance to see about the training for that week. By posing as their shadows following them on the ground, Alucard had managed to terrify and subsequently scare away four more soldiers in just two days. Integra intended to have a talk with Alucard about this most recent dilemma. He'd kept his promise not to prank her, Seras, and Walter, but she'd forgotten to mention the rest of the Hellsing membership as well. He'd seen this loophole and taken full advantage of it.

_Crunch_

Integra glanced down at the floor as she stepped on something. She lifted her foot, expecting to see her spare glasses left conveniently where she'd step. Instead, she saw a crumpled piece of paper. She bent down and picked it up, peering curiously at it. To her surprise and curiosity, it was a folded paper crane.

"Hm. Now I wonder how this got here," she said, genuinely curious. She stuck it in her pocket and continued down the hall. As she reached the turn, however, she happened to glance down the hallway leading toward the sub-levels. Her eyes widened. There, on the floor, lay four or five more scattered folded paper creations. She frowned, turning and approaching cautiously. She reached down to pick up another paper crane. The one following that was a small paper boat. The one following that one was a paper lamp. She proceeded down the hall, staring around as the paper trail got more and more cluttered the further she went until finally, she reached the entrance of the basement. Here, the trail was thick enough that it was hard to walk without stepping on one. She made her way downstairs as the floor became a muddled mess of brightly colored paper until finally, she reached her destination. Biting her lip in irritation at the one clear spot in front of the door leading to Alucard's room, she sighed and moved forward. She opened the door and stepped inside to find hundreds more of the folded origami trinkets lying all over the floor. Seated in the center of the room in his usual chair, Alucard was busily working with a huge stack of colored paper on his side table and glanced up as she approached. He grinned and tipped his hat, "Good evening, Integra," he said cheerfully, "Take a guess at what I just learned how to do,"


	23. Day Twenty Three

A/N: Anyone here seen Tactics? Yeah, you'll recognize this.

Day Twenty-Three

Integra felt ecstatic. They'd received an order about an attack in, of all places, Tokyo. Finally, she could send Alucard on a mission and not have to worry about any stupid pranks he might dream up. Finally, he'd have something to do. She'd summoned him to her office to brief him on the details of the mission and he'd taken it rather calmly, a little too calmly. But she didn't bother to dwell on it, as he and Seras would be gone for two days at least. Seras was now strong enough to fly on a plane outside of a coffin, so there was no need to worry much about that.

So, two days following Alucard's origami binge, which had been weird by itself, Integra watched as the car pulled up outside with her two vampiric servants inside, arriving home after a successful mission. But when Seras got out looking somewhat troubled, Integra suddenly had an odd sense of foreboding. She sat down at her desk and waited until they came in to submit their report. Seras arrived first, clearly nervous as she grinned, "Afternoon, ma'am," she said, "Uh, we're back,"

"I can see that. I assume the job went well?" Integra asked.

"Uh, well, yes it did, but...." Seras stammered, glancing back at the door as Alucard appeared, looking somewhat ticked. Integra frowned, "Alucard?"

"Good afternoon, Integra," he greeted stonily, "Our mission was successful. Target vampire has been silenced as you requested,"

"Then what could you possibly have to be angry about?" Integra asked. Seras chuckled dryly, "Well, you see...." she said, trailing off again, "Master Alucard told me he'd never been to Japan before, even on a job and it was an interesting experience for the both of us. However, I wanted to stop to get a souvenir...."

Integra sighed heavily, "Seras, you were on a highly important mission. What on earth possessed you to even think of picking up a useless trinket?" she scolded, though she was inwardly amused at the simplicity of this girl. Seras clasped her hands together and nodded, "I know, I know. I got one, but, well, it came with a little extra...something inside it and he was trying to get it out, but didn't want to break it," Seras explained. Here, Alucard stepped inside completely and tipped his hat. It was then that Integra saw the problem. She bit her lip and bowed her head, struggling with all her might not to burst into hysterics at the sight.

"Alucard," she choked out, "Tell me, what is that?"

Seras chuckled nervously, "Well, as you know, I'm still able to drink liquids as a vampire and I saw these bottles they had for sale at the airport. It's called...uh, Ramune, I think, a type of Japanese soda. I wanted to keep the bottle once I'd finished with it, but it came with this weird marble thing in the neck of it and master started trying to get it out without breaking the bottle...and yes, that's what happened," Seras said, smiling. Indeed, Alucard did have some kind of bottle stuck on his finger and he was clearly agitated and severely tempted to just smash it. But out of (surprisingly) respect for his apprentice and the fact that she probably paid for it herself, he'd managed to resist the temptation. And thus, it remained firmly stuck.

Integra got to her feet, covering her mouth as she struggled not to laugh. She took the bottle and brought it up to examine it, taking his arm along with it, "I see," she said, "It's stuck pretty tight. You'll probably want to speak to Walter about this if you still wish to remove it safely," she said mirthfully. Alucard actually growled at her, his eyes blazing, "If you laugh, you'll be sorry," he warned.

Integra frowned and stepped back, staring curiously at the bottle, "I don't understand why you don't just disintegrate," she pointed out.

"Because it would just go along for the ride. I'm going now," he grumbled, whirling and stalking out, "Lets' go, Police-Girl, don't dawdle. I've got to get this damn thing off, already."

Seras hurried after him, "Wait! Remember, you promised you wouldn't break it!"

Integra waited until he was out of earshot before she finally broke down in laughter. "Oh, Alucard," she said, "Times like this, I truly feel sorry for you,"


	24. Day Twenty Four

A/N: Here you go, another wacky installment. Seras strikes back! Dun-dun-dun-duuuuun!

Day Twenty-Four

In the case of the Ramune bottle, Alucard had had his patience tested to the limit when after the eight-hour plane ride, with the bonus two hours, Walter finally managed to get the thing off with minimal damage. Seras got to keep her souvenir and Alucard had retreated into his chamber without a word. Integra knew his pride had been dented and when that happened, it was best to leave him to his own devices.

However, Integra was soon to learn that sometimes, perhaps paying him a visit might be more helpful.

Integra made her way down the hallway to the kitchen for a granola bar. Seeing how she was going to be insanely busy for the next couple of days, she figured she'd take a few and stash them in her desk for later.

As she turned the corner, she saw a flash of red disappear at the far end of the corridor. She felt her pulse quicken as she realized that Alucard was out and moving around the mansion. Knowing him, he could be doing anything ranging from painting the hallways any variety of colors to discovering a portable source of anti-gravity. She wasn't exaggerating either. Alucard had a technical side of him that he didn't usually show. Short-circuiting the generator was a good enough example.

She hurried down the hall after him just as he reappeared from around the wall. His eyes widened in slight surprise.

"Integra," he greeted coolly.

"Alucard, what are you doing?" Integra questioned as she approached. He took a quick step forward as though to stop her, "Wait, don't come further," he warned. Integra frowned and was about to ask why when she put her foot down and suddenly felt the ground fall out beneath her. It happened so quickly she didn't even have time to yell. She landed hard on the floor beneath, startling Walter who had been on his way down to the basement. He blinked in surprise and glanced upward at the hole where Alucard was kneeling, peering down at his fallen master, "I did try to warn you," he said pleasantly, "Seras has declared war against me. This one was her doing,"

Integra groaned as she picked herself up, "I can hardly blame her, you git," she growled. She rubbed her aching neck and glowered up at him. He looked up and suddenly disappeared from the hole as a series of short popping sounds could be heard just as dozens of tennis balls went sailing across the opening.

"Eat this, you weirdo!" they heard Seras shriek.

Integra and Walter just watched the barrage of tennis balls before glancing at each other in bewilderment. Walter offered his hand to help Integra to her feet and they went their separate ways without a word, both understanding that right now, a miniature war was being fought and they thankfully had no place in it.

"Hm," Integra said as she left, "I do wonder where Seras got the tennis ball launcher, though,"

A/N: So Seras is just as devious as Alucard. Looks like the Vampire King had better prepare himself! Hehe.


	25. Day Twenty Five

A/N: Integra gets her revenge!

Day Twenty-Five

Snow was pretty uncommon. But one morning, Hellsing awakened to a blanket of white covering the grounds for as far as the eye could see. Integra gave her men the day off until maintenance had cleared the pathways. She herself sat in her office with a cup of hot tea, watching it come down gently. She herself had always loved snow. There was only one problem that had presented itself the very first time it snowed during her first year with her wayward vampiric servant.

It was then she realized how stupid she was to leave the window open. A single snowball came sailing in through her open window, landing with a _splat_ on her desk. Integra sighed and got to her feet, picking it up before it melted and going to the window. She fully expected to see Alucard out there, but she stopped with a jolt when she saw none other than Walter, pacing around and looking somewhat agitated.

"Walter!" she yelled. He jumped and looked up in surprise, "Sir Integra," he said. She saw he was holding a snowball and he realized this, "I wasn't—"

"Walter, I expect this sort of thing from Alucard," Integra said icily, "Not from a sophisticated gentleman like yourself,"

"But that's just it, madam," he said, "Alucard was here not a second ago!"

"So why the snowball?"

Walter sighed and grinned, "I will admit that I was planning to return the favor," he said wryly. Integra didn't blame him there.

Suddenly, a snowball came sailing from the edge of the mansion, smacking Walter on the side of the head and making his stagger back, sputtering. Integra sighed and shook her head, closing her window and making her way out of the office as Walter started yelling at Alucard. As she stalked up to the roof, she grumbled to herself, "From cradle to grave, males never stop acting like irresponsible little children,"

She reached the top of the roof by the heliport, directly above where Walter and Alucard were arguing. She knelt down and picked up a little ball of snow, rolling it around until it was roughly the size of a beach ball. She did the same thing one more time and then moved each to the side of the roof over her targets, "Well, on a day off, there's no reason why females can't be somewhat childish as well, so bombs away, boys," she called. She shoved the first one over the side of the roof. It hit its target dead on by striking Alucard, actually knocking him down with the force of it. Walter stepped back and glanced up just in time to see the second one drop, this one just barely striking him. He turned to Alucard, who was busy picking himself up out of his snow pile and grinning. Integra watched as Walter, in a temporary fit of rage, started hurling snowball after snowball at the vampire until Alucard had no choice but to take to his heels, hurrying away toward the training grounds with the elderly butler chasing after him.

Integra sighed, shaking her head, "Idiots," she grumbled, "Well, that's enough fun for now. Time to get to work,"

And with that, she went back to her office to finish some projects she'd started the day before.

A/N: This was so fun to do. I loved it! Chaos rules!


	26. Day Twenty Six

A/N: Sorry for the delay. Anyway, here's another one! This one has a special guest and I'm planning another appearance for a certain cameo later on. Can anyone guess who I'm bringing in? ^_^

Day Twenty- Six

It was still snowing out. Integra firmly locked her windows to prevent Alucard from tossing anymore snowballs in. Integra did really like snow, but she knew that her vampiric servant was quite fond of it as well. She wasn't sure if it ever snowed where he was originally from. If that were the case, having spent a hundred years in England, you'd think he'd had his fill of snow by this point.

Apparently, she thought as a few dozen snowballs smacked into the window all at once, she was wrong.

She jumped slightly when she heard Seras shriek suddenly outside. She sighed and got to her feet, moving to the window to look out. Seras had wandered outside without thinking and of course, Alucard had noticed. The poor girl was now running frantically as a barrage of snowballs followed her, eventually knocking her down into the deep drift. It was rather difficult to go outside right now because Alucard made it his mission to attack anyone who dared set foot outside the mansion, or inside the estate, even. A messenger from Iscariot had attempted to deliver an envelope from The Vatican yesterday evening and was barely able to escape just after stepping through the front gate. She never got the message, so she hoped that they'd just settle for mailing it.

Of course, she was disappointed.

That afternoon, she was sitting at her desk doing her best to enjoy a cup of tea when she heard a commotion outside. She set the cup down with a sigh and got up to look out the window. She saw Alucard standing out on the grounds, laughing, but she couldn't see what was so funny. She stepped back and rubbed her eyes wearily.

About ten minutes later, there was a knock at the door and Walter stepped in looking somewhat agitated to say the least, "Ma'am, there's a visitor from Iscariot with a message for you," he said.

"I expected this, seeing how their first poor messenger couldn't get past our guard," she said irritably. Walter stepped back, clearing his throat as Anderson appeared in the doorway, covered in snow and grumbling like a mad dog, "Noo Ah see why oor messenger returned sae quickly befaur," he growled, "If ye doon't mind, try tae keep that demon on ae leash,"

He threw the envelope down and stalked out, muttering to himself. Integra watched him go and then sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of her nose, "I'm just glad he didn't decapitate him again," she muttered.

Walter chuckled and Integra glared at him, "What?" she snapped.

"I wonder, ma'am, how many people get to say that in their lifetimes?" he asked mirthfully.

Integra just stared. She turned back to the window. Alucard was still out there, but dove to the side as a flurry of those damned bayonets came flying in his direction from somewhere off to the right. Alucard cackled madly and then glanced up at the window, grinning. Integra just made her way back to the desk and sat down, ignoring the sudden barrage of snowballs pounding against the window.

"Walter," she asked as a particularly large clump of snow splashed against the glass and slowly slid out of sight, "Why don't you start a pot of tea? I have a feeling it's going to do a world of good,"

"An excellent suggestion, ma'am," Walter said, bowing.

A/N: I love snow. There's only one more chapter for snow in it. Then it'll all melt away to wherever snow melts away to. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this installment.


	27. Day Twenty Seven

A/N: It's guest star time! I'm bringing in someone special from another story! Also, the pranks have evolved from simple jokes to full-scale vampiric amusement war! Prepare to let the laughter fly!

Day Twenty-Seven

Seras awoke to the sound of Integra yelling at Alucard outside her door. She wondered briefly what it was this time as she sat up and yawned, rubbing her eyes. As she stretched and moved toward the door, it suddenly slammed open against the wall and a shapeless black blob dashed into, careening full tilt into her and sending them both sprawling.

"Seras!"

Seras heard her name and opened her eyes in bewilderment to stare into a matching set of eyes from the creature pinning her down. It wasn't Alucard, but it was undead, female and highly familiar. Seras' eyes widened in amazement, "I don't believe it! Wynter!" she cried.

The female vampire grinned a sharp, toothy grin, "Nice to see you again," she said, "Been well?"

"What are you doing here?" Seras exclaimed as Wynter scrabbled off her. The older vampire, Alucard's other fledgling*, ruffled her wings as she chuckled, "Believe it or not, Integra summoned me here from Bristol. It seems our beloved master is bored again,"

Seras moaned, "You're not kidding. He's driving everyone nuts. But who was Integra yelling at by the way?"

"Oh," Wynter said, glancing back at the door, "Alucard somehow got his hands on candy cigars and replaced Integra's stash with them. And we both know that Integra doesn't have much of a sweet tooth,"

"That's actually one of his milder pranks," Seras pointed out, "So she summoned you here to deal with it?"

Wynter's face took on a demonic fervor, "You could say that," she purred, "Being as old as I am, I've dealt with master's boredom from time to time before I...well, you know," she said with a shrug, "So I too have a few tricks up my sleeve. It's war, Seras," she said with glee, "I've been wanting to get back at him so many times for what he did to me!"

"Do I want to know?"

"Lets' just say I was...hung up for a few hours," Wynter said uncomfortably, "In any case, I got word from Anderson that Alucard's been going a little overboard with his pranks, aside from what Integra told me,"

"Anderson's been by a couple of times because of them," Seras said, "It snowed out, so Alucard forced him into a one-sided snowball fight. I actually felt sorry for that psycho,"

"Oh he's not that bad. Now then, lets' begin planning, shall we?" Wynter cackled.

/ooo/

Integra hoped that inviting Wynter back to Hellsing was the right decision. Alucard was truly getting out of control. He'd completely sealed off the chimneys so that every room with a fire burning was smoked out in a heartbeat. Hopefully, Wynter would find a way to counterbalance his shenanigans.

As she was sorting through a list of reports, she was just about to head down for some tea when—

_Crash! _

"_What the—? Ugh, what the hell? What is this?_"

Integra resisted the urge to smirk. Sounded like Wynter had already gotten started. That was Alucard's voice somewhere down the hall. She got up and moved out to investigate, opening her door and glancing out. At the end of the hallway sat a large white blob with Alucard firmly stuck in its center, struggling fiercely to get out and strangely, unable to. He snarled in frustration and looked up at her as she approached. He immediately looked cowed under, as if he were a child caught in the act of of some misdeed. With all due respect, he probably was.

"So," Integra said calmly, "A bit of a sticky situation you've gotten yourself into,"

"Integra, please," he growled, "You're so quick-witted; don't ruin it with wretched puns like that,"

Integra chuckled, "I see that Wynter's performing just as I'd hoped she would. Perhaps a bit of hope for sanity is in order around here,"

Still struggling in the white stuff, Alucard smirked, "Have you ever heard that old saying, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch", Integra?" he chimed, "Wynter still has much to learn,"

"Don't bet on it, _master_,"

They both glanced back, Alucard with some difficulty as Seras and Wynter approached. Wynter's long black hair billowed behind her and her claret eyes blazed in anticipation and mischief as she eyed Alucard, firmly trapped. She chuckled, her dark wings ruffling, "How do you like it, Alucard? A little trick I picked up in Nara during my travels. It's sticky rice and I've heard that it possesses special properties that prevent demonic intent from manifesting. In the very least, you're stuck until it finally flakes off in about...oh, a day or two, maybe,"

"It's a wonder that damned paladin puts up with you,"

"I provide a good training dummy for the recruits and I still owe him for helping me. Integra, he'll be for a while, so return to whatever you were doing with the assurance that you'll have at least twenty-four hours' peace until the sticky rice dries. And Alucard, just so you won't be lonely, I'll stay right here and keep you company," she said, sitting down and folding her legs beneath her. Alucard just glared at her and sighed, "And to think I had such high hopes for you," he muttered.

"Aw, I love you too, dad," Wynter chimed in the same sarcastic tone Alucard often employed.

Seras and Integra both went their separate ways, Integra returning to her office and foregoing the tea for now. She had some time coming up to use for work, so she might as well. After all, with Wynter on her side, Alucard's pranking days were most definitely numbered.

She hoped.

A/N: *Alucard's other fledgling, refers to Wynter, my character from my A Simple Memory Series as per my Hellsing writings. A lot of references to Anderson involving that story also popped up in here in case anyone is interested in reading it. By saying this, I've basically given away one of the first secrets of my story, but it's revealed in the very first chapter anyway, so it's hardly that big of a spoiler. But if you like Wynter, check out her world! In the meantime, she's going to cameo here for a while, at least until either she wins, or Alucard recruits and/or drives her back to Bristol before she spoils his fun.


	28. Day Twenty Eight

A/N: MarzBarz, if you're there, are you still among the living? If you are, I've sent you the new chapter for your story. I hope you got it.

For all the rest of you, enjoy this brief, completely pointless drivel.

Day Twenty-eight

After fighting with it for twelve hours, Alucard finally broke free of the sticky rice around two in the morning. Integra discovered this when her bedroom door was suddenly hurled open and something small and black darted onto her bed, burrowing beneath the covers beside her as she sat up in alarm. She pulled the blanket back to see a coal black cat with blazing red eyes huddled there, a wild grin on its face, "He's mad, now!" it cackled.

"Wynter, get out of there," Integra growled as Alucard appeared in the doorway, scowling, "So this is where you disappeared to," he snapped, stalking forward and snatching Wynter-cat by the scruff. However, the cat quickly dissolved into shadow matter, wriggling across the floor until it reached the opposite wall and morphed back into a humanoid shape, eyes glaring red at Alucard, "Hehe, I guess you didn't appreciate our little revenge," she said as her form solidified. Swathed in darkness like she was, she resembled Alucard even more than ever. She bowed slightly, wings shuddering, "My apologies for disturbing you, Integra," she said humbly, "I'll take our little chase outside,"

She was surrounded by a mass of shadows and vanished. Integra stared at where she'd been and then turned to Alucard, seething by the door. She smirked, "I have a feeling I'm not going to regret inviting her back here, Alucard,"

The vampire glared at her, "If I was that offensive, you might have had the decency to say something," he snapped.

"I did, Alucard. Twenty-eight times, to be exact. This has gone far enough. It's about time you had a dose of your own medicine,"

With that, she lay back down with a sigh. However, upon touching the pillow, she felt something to be strangely off. She reached beneath it and felt something...moving. She bolted up and whipped the pillow to the side, revealing an enormous, hairy spider sitting where her pillow had been. Suffering from a secret, immense arachnophobia, Integra leaped to her feet , backing away in alarm as the thing turned toward her. She clenched her fists and fixed a venomous stare at Alucard, grinning in a combo of devilishness and sheepishness all at once, if that was even possible.

"Alucard," she hissed, "I don't know how you got that there without my knowledge, but if you would be so kind as to remove it,"

"Actually, Integra, that one was Wynter's doing," Alucard explained.

"What!"

"Yes, for you see, Wynter is my fledgling and still bound to me. In this sense, I still control her to some extent. She was all too eager to exploit your one true fear just this once. However, I doubt she'll do it again,"

Integra ground her teeth together and watched as the spider scuttled off the mattress, off toward the window.

Outside, they heard hysterical cackling echoing into the night.

A/N: Just whose side is Wynter on? Hehe, only I know the answer to that!

"If I can't have any fun, I might as well leave," -Wynter, _A Simple Memory_


	29. Day Twenty Nine

A/N: Sorry for the wait. I got the inspiration from this from watching a panel for Hellsing Ultimate of all things...and from a little stunt my niece pulled. Note to self; never ever EVER let 3 year-old get a hold of permanent markers.

Day Twenty-Nine

Integra's trust in Wynter had slipped slightly after the spider incident the night before. However, in spite of all this, she still had hope that Wynter could get Alucard to cool it with the pranks. This hope was fueled the next morning when she awoke at four A.M to a tremendous ruckus outside her door and went out to investigate. She was just in time to see Wynter rush past down the hallway, laughing madly as she disappeared around the corner. Baskerville was in hot pursuit, snarling viciously. Integra wasn't quite sure what Wynter had done that time, but Alucard seemed to be getting mad, now. This was good. Maybe he'd lay off the pranks for a while. She went back to bed with a new feeling of security.

When the sun rose, however...

/ooo/

"_Alucard!_"

Integra hurled the door to his chamber open, stalking inside and fit to be tied. He raised his head and quirked his brow, "Well, I must say, that's quite the interesting new look you have Integra. It rather suits you,"

"Alucard," she snarled, "You've pulled this one before. Damn it, you demonic blockhead, you dyed my hair green! It's green!"

"Not to worry. It's only food coloring yet again. It'll wash out with a little Vaseline,"

"And how exactly do you know this?" she growled, clenching her fists. Alucard tossed her something from his pocket. She caught it, glaring at it irritably. It was Vaseline, just as he said. She eyed him skeptically, "Why do you just so happen to conveniently have this?" she grumbled. It was then that she noticed that it was strangely dimmer in there than it usually was. She drew closer to him, peering at him curiously. He just glowered at her, not saying anything. Integra smirked suddenly, chuckling, " You missed some, Alucard," she said, reaching out to lightly tug a small bit of his hair. He smacked her hand away and stood up, dissipating from her sight and grumbling to himself.

"You know," she called after him, "Blond is an interesting look for you,"

_"Integra, please be quiet,_" she heard him mutter from somewhere off in the distance. Tossing the bottle up and catching it, she laughed to herself, now less infuriated by her new temporary hairdo than she'd been before.

A/N: Let me know what you think! I'm still waiting to use a VERY good idea one of my readers gave me. It's a surprise, so just wait and see! Hehehe!


	30. Day Thirty

A/N: Inspired by AVF and my new dog's funny antics, here's a special chapter. By the way, where is everyone?

Day Thirty

Almost a month had passed. Integra felt fairly certain that if this didn't end soon, then it wouldn't at all. So far, Wynter and Alucard seemed pretty evenly matched as far as wits went. Alucard had life experience on his side, whereas Wynter had knowledge attained from traveling all over Europe. However, given Wynter's antics and Alucard's retaliations, Integra wasn't sure who was more devious. Clearly, Wynter was somewhat deranged after all she'd been put through over the years, carrying an elegant concern for humans as well as a secret sadistic side that she didn't often reveal. This was shown clearly by taking advantage of Integra's innate fear of spiders. But when Wynter wanted to be scary, she was freaking scary.

It was still early in the morning and Integra hadn't gotten very much sleep. Wynter had spent the night pacing around the mansion on the watch for Alucard. Fortunately, nothing had happened, but she could never be too sure.

She gasped in alarm as the smoke detector downstairs suddenly began to blare wildly. She bolted up, grabbed for her robe and scrambled to her feet. Upon opening her door, she caught the distinct pungent aroma of something burning down in the kitchen. She grimaced, hurrying downstairs, fully aware that it was still pitch black outside.

"Madam," she heard Walter say from down the hall. She turned, spotting the elderly butler already dressed but his hair still a bit scraggly and his monocle missing. Clearly, he'd just been preparing for the day when the commotion startled him.

"Walter, what's going on?" she asked.

"I'm afraid I don't know," he said, looking around as the smoke detector finally silenced. They exchanged wary looks, making their way toward the main kitchen. Just before reaching the door, they heard it;

"_Damn it. Wynter, of all the ridiculous ideas you could have come up with,_"

"_Oh shut it, you're the one who set the oven to six-hundred degrees. I didn't even know they could go that high,_"

Something clattered to the floor as they crept closer. Smoke poured out through the cracks in the door.

"_Nice. Very nice, Alucard. Only you could set the recipe book on fire trying to turn on the microwave!_"

"_I don't cook, Wynter. I didn't think it was possible to burn a hole through a pan like that,_"

"_ You see, the difference is that I actually CAN cook. You stink at it,_"

She sputtered and coughed suddenly, "_What the hell? Oh, real mature. Ugh, I'm covered in flour! Blech!_"

"_Serves you right._"

Integra glanced at Walter in bewilderment, "What do you think is going on?" she whispered.

He chuckled to himself, "I'd dare say it's a temporary ceasefire apology for causing us so much trouble. I expect them to be at it again by noon, however. After all, that's what you called Wynter here for,"

The sudden out-of-control crashing sound of the mixer starting up startled them both and both vampires behind the door started yelling in alarm; "_Agh! Alucard, you started it on fast! That's too fast, it's flinging flour everywhere!_"

"_Well don't just stand there, unplug the thing!_"

"_I can't! You're closer to the outlet! You do it!_"

"_I thought you said you can cook!_"

"_I can! But I'd do better if a certain idiot would listen to a damned thing I say now and again!_"

"_Oh, so this is my fault?_" he snarled.

"_Just turn that stupid thing off!_"

A loud splatting sound met their ears followed by an eerie silence. They heard Wynter sigh, "_Well, I hope Integra likes beige, because that's certainly not going anywhere anytime soon,_"

Walter was doing his best not to either A, laugh or B, go in and see the extent of the damage. He silently motioned Integra to follow him away. Once out of earshot, Integra groaned, "The chef is going to go ballistic," she muttered.

"I'll make certain they clean it up, Sir Integra," Walter said, "In the meantime, you should at least give them credit for trying,"

"Trying what?"

"They probably assumed you'd forget anyway, so they decided to remember for you,"

"Remember what?"

He smiled knowingly at her, "Happy twenty-third birthday, Sir Integra,"

A/N: Isn't that cute? Alucard and Wynter attempting to put together a surprise birthday breakfast for Integra. Contrary to what you might think, Wynter and Alucard actually do get along. It's just a goofy relationship.


End file.
